Welcome to our new series, Teen Voices. We are inviting LGBTQ and straight teens to share their experiences with Gay YA in this weekly series.
Writing my online story Henny, I try my best to explain to the reader my own life trials and triumphs in finding myself. One of the toughest experiences I
had to encounter was Sexual assault. In reading Alex’s Sanchez’s “Bait” his main character lashes out against a gay classmate in
dealing with his own rape by his stepfather when he was younger. Luckily, I wasn’t assaulted by a family member but it was still by someone very close to me…
Or so I thought.
In reading his novel I came to realize my own similarities with his main character Diego. I never really lashed out in a violent way, or self mutilation,
but it mentally handicapped me. When I was assaulted I felt as though it was my own fault, so I fabricated a lie for my close ones. The man who I thought cared for me
slithered his way into my life and tried to give me a sense of self worth. He told me so many things that made me care for the little things in life. He financially supported me and my family. My mother clueless as to what was going on accepted the little hundred dollars I’d bring to the table, with little to no questions asked.
That was good because I never really had a true answer. Finally it came time for me to pay him back.
He took me in, loved me up, and broke me down. Those moments when I told him to stop, words came from my mouth apparently in foreign languages. He told me to just relax… but I couldn’t. It was so difficult. This man staring at me in my face, touching me so inappropriately. When I finally left that room myself was so broken down. Tears swell my eyes that I fought back for so long. I made it to the weekly youth group meeting where my cousin demanded I call my mother. It was one of the hardest things I had to tell her… Because instead of the truth, a lie slipped from my mouth like butter had greased my lips. I couldn’t bring myself to give her the actual truth I couldn’t even face myself. Not because I wanted to save him, but because of the embarrassment. This young boy, going off to love another man in an already so close minded country. I couldn’t see anyone truly holding out there hands to help me, unless it was truly an attack that could be seen in their eyes.
The overwhelming task of holding on to this lie took its toll on me. I lost sight of school. I picked up drinking, smoking and looking for the love I needed to obtain from a father figure in all the wrong people. I found myself with stranger’s kisses, and stranger’s touches. The stories and the theories or what happens after a rape that I never thought I would have to experience started to become so real.
But soon I began to see the light. Like Diego I found a way out of the water…..
Born on the small island country of Trinidad and Tobago, 19 year old Phillipe Tristan Alexander, was raised in The United States with an strong Caribbean upbringing. Being able to grow up with the many different influences of America, I found it hard to figure out what was right for me. I felt something inside me when I was younger, playing with my step-sister and her dolls, rather than playing football with the boys. Growing up pretty wasn’t all that easy either because I took more of my mothers feature than my fathers own.
In school I began to fall weak to these feelings. I tried my best to cover them up by getting a girlfriend but still didn’t feel comfortable. Finally in 2005 after the death of my stepfather I told myself that it was about time I stop lying to myself and to my loved ones. I finally began to accept the fact that I was gay. I soon moved in with my uncle and I began to love myself a little more each day…
Now, I’m back home in sweet T&T, and a proud advocate for Gay and Bisexual teens of the Caribbean. I am also the writer of the online story Henny which can be found on facebook. I began writing with inspiration from Alex Sanchez, writer of the Rainbow Boys series.
If you are interested in contributing to our Teen Voices series, please email email@example.com